Intimate Knowledge

"Feeling low again, insignificant. My thoughts and fears overcome my mind, I find that there's no easy way to run from everything that's haunting me. I'm looking in the mirror for a smile, nothing is returned no matter how hard I try."

I know that these words may not seem like words of encouragement, however today, these were exactly the words I needed to hear.

I find it absolutely shocking that the person I'm around the most, the person that I should know everything about, constantly surprises me with what he does (or doesn't do). Yep, I'm around myself 24 hours a day and there are still many days where some of the things I do stun me. Despite my most valiant efforts, I have been the author of broken friendships, crippled dreams, and many unwanted detours in my race of life.

Again, I know this sounds depressing, and it has been a very depressing time right now, however the end of the story is good, so bear with me. My story continues:

"Now it's sinking in and I can't defend the broken man that I've become. I find there's nothing here that I made for myself and why I let it fall apart again."

Why do I do the things that I hate?

Galatians 5:17 (ESV) For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.

This verse didn't leave a very positive taste in my mouth. I thought, "So basically it's pointless to try and avoid sin in my life because there is no way out from its control." However, once I read verses 16 and 18, all became clear, and suddenly this thing called life became much more hopeful:

Galatians 5:16 (ESV) But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
Galatians 5:18 (ESV) But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

The word walk literally means "to tread all around". Sometimes I am content to tread next to the Spirit, but usually I tread in front of Him, taking Him where I want to go. This is where a lot of my problems in life develop.

Yes, I have made some dumb mistakes. Yes, I have destroyed relationships in the process. And I am sorry for my actions.

Through it all, there is a person closer than a brother. There is someone with whom I can weep my sufferings. And there is someone who is willing to forgive me when I screw up. Someone who knows me more intimately than even I know myself.

The song concludes in a soft moment of brokenness:
"But what I can't see is what you see inside of me. Help me to see what you see inside of me."